Many lives today are effected from the choices we make. Thinking back on past decisions for many of us is always the hardest part of moving forward or changing our ways. Some who are haunted by past mistakes or actions not taken, may have it the hardest. They may find themselves at a point in their life asking... what if? Some what ifs, depending upon the person and what life throws at them, can be major or little. It doesn't matter though, questions like this affect who we will be or just lurk in the back of our mind forever.

Aside from what others think of me, my past hasn't always been easy, a lot of people think the sweet people or nice, quiet ones have it easy in life. Far from true, now I'm not saying that my past is worse than the next person. Us as a society is as human as the least of them, but we're also more than that. The personal experiences that, as I like to say, God has thrown at us is nothing less that what we can handle. If someone out there doesn't think that, it's just life then. We make the choice of our actions and how we react to what's going on around us. It can be as simple as making the bed or saving a life. Every little effort counts and helps illustrate who we are as society and even more so as an individual. Yet, what I like to believe in what helps shape us the most is those questions we ask ourselves and what we do in turn because of it.

Personal questions that I have asked myself include a wide variety from things like, what if I talked to him, or what if I turned that assignment in on time? Would it really make a huge difference? Maybe, maybe not. But we will never know unless we apply it in the future. Which is something we should all think about with more serious questions. What if my birthmother didn't give me up for adoption? What if that person in my life committed suicide? What if I ran away those countless times I was seriously willing to go? What if...

Questions like these we can never escape, because that moment in time scratched a vivid memory that we will never forget. Numerous times, I was almost ready to give up on life. Cause I didn't have enough faith in myself, I thought that because of my past actions I could never be... that girl. The girl who never stole, who never fell in love before high school, the girl who wasn't "different" from her parents... the one who thought it would be easier to end her life.

Many times I wanted to run away, because the past what ifs haunted my thoughts constantly. And those around me who didn't know what struggles were going on inside my head, just made things worse. Not my parents, but those who pass by in the hallways, the ones in class that think they're really being nice, but are instead acting like jerks. Some people think that sucking it up is the way to go, the way to be "stronger". Because something in their own life has made them tough, strong in their own eyes. Cause they think since we all have it hard, that it should make things a whole lot easier knowing that someone else out there has it harder. Is it really good advice, or to think in those terms?

We are all built differently, created for individual paths we take throughout our life. Our past actions and events let us adapt differently to handle situations. So when we want someone to just listen, or to just let it go, but they persist on saying something that they think is "advice" because it works for them... is just being oblivious. We will never know what words can affect others, only that even if such a tiny voice at first, can manifest into a mistake that we can never take back. What if...

Us as human beings know what we are capable of, we see it everyday in the news, headlines, and word of mouth... even right in front of our own eyes. But marking off something as being "so sad", can be an escape from dealing with the truth. So many events that we come across help us show who we are in some way or another. Standing silent can just be as horrible as trying to say the right thing. If we open up our eyes and just watch, observe, think about... we will learn so much more than talking about or so called "discussing". One simple thing we say or do can ultimately make a mark on someone who will take it to the next level without us even knowing it possible. 

So, in reality, what ifs affect each and every one of us. Yet those who take the time to just step back and just watch what life is able to do and just think... our what ifs can be turned into what I will dos. Our own personal experiences are programmed to help us individually adapt actions into habit, whatever works for our own persona. It is highly impossible to accurately estimate how strong another human being actually is. To find someone, even if just one person, out of billions of other people to really understand or make an effort to... is lucky. But it really is a choice we all make, through all the what ifs and sucking it up. 

“You hear that music in the air? Take the train to the top of the world, and I’m there, I’m home!” Just this past summer I was fortunate to see the award-winning Broadway Show, In the Heights. It’s a very contemporary, modern day view of the Latino Community in Washington Heights, New York. The show gives the audience what it is like to be a first/second generation emigrant and the struggles met every day. 

No where in my wildest dreams did I ever think this would hit so close to home. Even though I am not from the islands, I know what it feels like to be different, and the constant struggle to not forget who I am. After the show I realized that these characters live on every single penny they earn, but are the happiest people I’ve seen. Yet, no matter what happens they’ll always have pride of their home country. 

For years, I tried to be an “All-American Girl”, trying to fit in or make a place for myself; most of all trying to erase my identity. Just the opposite right? In these past few years, trying to be a “regular” teenager was enlisting for conformity. You might think, oh sure, she’s just another teen seeking independence. No, In the Heights gave me courage to “wave this flag that I got in my hand” high and proud.

Growing up, it was hard to see such a disposition. No one really seems to care about heritage or tradition anymore. It’s never been that simple for me. And as I’m about to go out on my own I have to make choices to change this empty feeling.

You may wonder… what is she talking about? All my life I’ve been stereotyped as an Asian, sometimes I don’t try to prove them wrong. Telling everyone that you’re Yup’ik, or “Eskimo”, sets in line a whole list of questions. No, my parents aren’t Yup’ik. Yes, I am adopted. No, I was never in an orphanage. The list goes on and on, but the thing that bothers me most is they don’t understand how hard it is for a mother of fifteen to give up her daughter because she was raped. It’s just not a truth I’m willing to share with everyone. For my whole life she not once spoke or written to me because she is so ashamed. And I’m supposed to share on top of all that, that I am just another white washed minority? It’s not okay.

I was born to this, to challenge my strength, and to show the world that I can survive. For one day I will learn of my culture, because something such as that is important to me. I don’t want to live in an ever-changing world just like everyone else, and to forget the most precious thing anyone can ever know. I value my heritage, and I couldn’t be more elated to where my life is leading me.

Ending this year, I’m not upset or mad anymore. I’m putting my past behind me and preparing myself for the biggest challenge I am yet to face. There is a particular song from In the Heights that should guide every life, Paciencia y Fe, patience and faith. Abuela Claudia, the character, preaches this to the neighborhood giving strength to those who long for home. This year, every day I will tell myself Paciencia y Fe, Paciencia y Fe, and never lose faith in myself, for I know whatever I do and wherever I go someday I will know of who I am, and of my birthmother.

Home isn’t exactly where you feel you should belong. The characters of In the Heights bring to us a strength that little posess. They deal with more than the ordinary struggles each and everyone of us face. No matter where we are, or who we are, we really do know what each other is going through. The ability to surmount each challenge with courage, even if not seen by the human eye, can be the best medicine. With just a little faith, and little confidence one can grow and pass onto others this life message. 

Paciencia y Fe, one of life’s little miracles, can give you the choice to live happiness. Whether on top of the world, or wherever life may lead you. The climb to our own Mount Everest is worth the wait, and climb to something beyond our wildest dreams.

-My entry to teenink.com, this was a reflective written assignment for my College Prep English Class-

xoxo, Elizabeth

Yesterday I found a camera of my dreams! :) 
For awhile I couldn't afford a fancy cam, like the newer versions. But while searching the Valley, I found this awesome Ricoh KR-5 Super II camera.
Only 30 bucks! Crazy. 

My new baby! Haha, I'm so excited!! Definitely going to upload some photos using this camera when I develop photos. Going to have to wait until I use a whole film strip, since this is only a 35mm camera. But she's a one of a kind to me :)

xoxo, Elizabeth